During one of the parties at BlogHer ’13, a white woman with curly blonde hair walked up to me and asked, “Are you Jenni Chiu?”
“No, I’m Grace. Jenni’s a foot taller and much prettier than me.”
“What? You’re not Jenni?”
The woman seemed unconvinced.
“No, I’m NOT Jenni.”
After an awkward pause, she mumbled something and then drifted over to another group of bloggers.
I could have handled that better.
And because there really is poetic justice, I walked up to a black woman at another party later that same night and said, “Hey, are you [insert name of another black blogger here]?” She did not look too pleased. I tried to change the subject really quickly.
“So, uh, these are some pretty good cheese fries, huh?”
These things happen at a blogging conference. Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile a walking, talking human being with a thumbnail avatar. And if they have one of those animated or artsy closeup shots of their left eye, then it’s extra hard to match up a real-life person with an onscreen persona.
But there is this really, really awkward space in which confusing one person of color for another person of the same race carries a lot more baggage than, say mistaking one redheaded white woman for another. I also made that mistake at BlogHer.
The incident of being mistaken for Jenni triggered a lot of “all Asians look the same” issues for me. At last year’s BlogHer conference, a PR person approached me excitedly, asking, “Are you Jaden Hair?”
I wanted to tell her not to be so disappointed when I told her, “No, I’m not Jaden.” Unless you have a book advance for me. Then, yes, I’m Jaden — but make the check payable to Grace.
My angst probably stems back to my twenties, when I was fresh out of college and working as a production assistant in a TV newsroom. The other production assistant was a black guy about my age. Together we answered phones and fetched scripts for the the news anchors. One day, I hurriedly yelled across the counter, asking my co-worker a simple question. He turned around with an expression I’d never seen before. Oh… that was not my colleague, but another black man of similar height and build. Only this man was in a more senior position and didn’t take kindly to being mistaken for a lowly assistant. From that day on, he would loudly say things about me when I walked into the room or ignore me when I legitimately needed to talk to him. This went on for a while, and I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing. The other production assistant never said anything either, quietly keeping his distance from me.
Then one day, I came to work and the guy said nothing to me. The room was strangely quiet, as if I were just a normal person who walked into a normal room. Some of my other colleagues filled me in on what had happened on my day off. Apparently this senior guy had mistaken another Asian woman — a veteran news producer — for me, and attempted to give her grief. She didn’t take it for one minute, said some choice words to him, and he never bothered her (or me) again.
But back to the BlogHer conference. The next morning, I saw the black woman I had mistaken for another blogger in the elevator. We chatted a little bit, and everything seemed fine. However, I’m still feel uncomfortable with the way I handled the situation of being mistaken for Jenni. In hindsight, I ask myself why I didn’t just talk to her some more, perhaps ask her how she knew Jenni or what she blogged about. Perhaps that woman is reading this post. Perhaps it was no big deal. Perhaps, it was some sort of a deal. Maybe we will meet again and next time, be able to get to know one another better.
I love when people stop @HapaMamaGrace to tell me they like me. Let’s play “Guess which one’s Jenni”! pic.twitter.com/yHiHGrOU5k
— Jenni Chiu (@MommyNaniBooboo) July 27, 2013
Oh well. There are worse people to be mistaken for.
Also, check out Jenni’s take on this over at Mommy Nani Booboo
I think you are right that those mistakes have a lot more baggage. How do we ease the stigma? I’ve been mistaken for Leticia of Tech Savvy Mama quite often but I doubt she’s ever mistaken for me.
Oh man. I’ve gotten “Are you [insert every ethnicity except Laotian]?” more times than I can count. Sure, that’s just because of lack of mainstream knowledge but still. My white then-boyfriend-now-husband guessed Thai and ‘kinda the same, right?’ Uh. No.
I’m kinda giggling at the senior studio guy story still. Kekeke.
Yes, there’s such a stigma. It seems like white women are not as bothered by being mistaken for another white woman, particularly if she’s attractive. It’s that feeling of being judged as part of a group and not seen as an individual. You can’t always tell if it was an innocent mistake or lumping people together because of race.
I don’t know about that. :) I always get mistaken for another woman who used to work in my office. We didn’t look like each other at all, except that we were both a little “curvy” and had reddish hair. I think both of us got annoyed after a while. :)
However, I made the same mistake a few times when I saw women with baby in tow. I kept thinking they were “so and so”. I guess what comes around. . . :)
Good to hear your opinion, Stacy Jill. It’s never a good feeling to be reduced to a “type” is it?
I’m a white woman living in Asia, and it happens to me quite a lot! I guess most people aren’t that good at distinguishing between people of other races.
How interesting! Yeah, I think that people in general have a harder time distinguishing between people of other races, but I think it’s something that can be learned by being around more people of different races.
I don’t know how I would have handled it either and I’ve been in tons of those situations where someone comes up to me and says, “Oh I thought you were someone else.” And I say, “I AM SOMEONE ELSE!”
Haha! I’ve met quite a few people who swear that they’ve met me before, but I know that I’ve never met them. I just assume that they were thinking about some other random Asian chick. :)
I was quite pleased that someone thought I looked as good as you. ;) It is a weird situation, because you’re right – I don’t know if I would’ve batted an eye if I were 100% Caucasian and it happened. Who knows? I’m definitely not angry about it, though – I’ve put my foot in my own mouth enough times…
Hey, I’ve had people say they expected someone more exotic, skinnier and more glamorous. That whole hybrid beauty Hapa stereotype is obviously alive and well.
I once was at a tasting event and brought an Asian American acquaintance of mine, and everyone kept assuming she was Miss Mochi and I was her guest.
First off love your blog!
I feel you on this issue, as I’m sure many Asian Americans do, I grew up in a predominantly all white neighborhood and everyone confused me with the one other Asian girl in the town. Lets just say she was about 6 inches shorter than me, had a bowl haircut (I had really long hair), and looked nothing like me. Till this day every time a non Asian person confuses me for an Asian, it brings back the same memories from 15 years ago.
Its the perennial discussion regarding Asian but only because Asians in America are a minority. The same way we might confuse people of other minorities. I remember one of my best friends in high school, who was black (Jamaican American), was absolutely convinced that all white people looked a like. Because she had moved form Jamaica she had a lot of trouble letting her classmates apart. I believe as the Asian American population grows in America less and less people would think this way.
Thank you and nice to meet you, Daechoong Mama! Oh yes, the trauma of being mistaken for the geekiest Asian in town. I’ve had that happen, too. And per my stories, I have also been guilty of confusing one white woman for another, or a black woman for another, so I know it happens. I just hope for better ways to gracefully work through those situations!
I think this happens all the time, regardless of race. A lot of people are nervous and say the wrong thing. The best solution if you aren’t sure if someone is “so and so” is to introduce yourself and hope they say, “I’m so and so”. Then you can reply, “I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU!” or if it isn’t them, then you keep your mouth shut and exchange a few words with someone you may not have talked to otherwise.
This was my first BlogHer and I came alone. There were a few big name bloggers I knew by sight. I had one woman sit next to me and insist she’d met me earlier. NO, that wasn’t ME. She didn’t really believe me. So sadly, there’s either a doppleganger for me out there or all white women look alike. Personally, I’ve found that just being exposed to more people from other races makes it easier to tell them apart. I hope that doesn’t come out wrong. I grew up in a town that was mostly white and as an adult lived in a mixed race city and worked at a place where there were a multitude of races. Being exposed to different people made me really look and listen and learn. I’m sad I didn’t get to meet you!
You bring out some good points…it can easily happen with any race, but it’s still uncomfortable and awkward (or has some ramifications like what happened at your work). Thanks for the insightful post.
Interesting about that sr, black guy.
I haven’t yet made that mistake on someone. But yes, people have mistakened me for someone else. It rarely happens.
Is it ….because I’ve lived in some Asian dominant Canadian cities….Toronto and Vancouver?