Image Credit: dacotahsgirl via Flickr
Should grandmothers be taking care of the kids to help women stay in the workforce while raising families? The answer may vary depending on your culture. In the Washington Post, a Chinese American woman, Kelly Yang, who is now living in Hong Kong urges young mothers to Lean in, and lean on Grandma. In her piece, Yang argues that the percent of women in upper management in China is over twice as high as it is in the U.S. because Chinese women have a reliable source of childcare: grandmothers.
But when you read the comments in this section, there’s a lot of vitriol against both Yang and the idea that women who ought to be in their golden years should be primary caregivers to their grandchildren. Why should grandma give up her retirement years to chase after toddlers? What about grandma’s career? And where is grandpa? Too bad there’s no way to find out about the racial or ethnic background of these Washington Post commenters, but I’ll wager a bet that they are mostly white Americans.
I spent all last week in New York City for a journalism conference. My boys were picked up after school each day by either my mother or father. They watched the kids every afternoon — supervising homework and driving them to martial arts classes — until my husband returned home from work. He then takes over all the household duties that I normally do: cooking dinner, doing laundry, signing permission slips, and packing the next day’s lunches. It’s an arrangement that my husband and parents say they are happy to oblige — after all, it helps me to get my career back after spending years out of the office. But I know they are collectively exhausted at the end of the day. I know, because I feel that way, too!
While the concept of the rugged individualist is often idealized in America, traditional Asian cultures see families as permanent bonds, not severed or strictly boundaried once children become adults. Sons and daughters aren’t kicked out of the house once they turn 18, and parents don’t demand rent from adult children flocking back to the nest. Those are common ideas in America, and in reading the comments on the Washington Post article, I can practically hear the tsk-tsking of people who think Mrs. Yang is enabling her daughter to live in a sort of extended adolescence.
I’m very grateful that my parents are able to pitch in to watch the kids when I travel, as we would not be able to afford a nanny to come do all the picking up and dropping off and general wrangling into the evenings. But I also know this is a great system for occasional babysitting, but would not work out for day in and day out childcare. While Asian grandparents don’t expect (and probably wouldn’t accept) monetary payment for helping to raise their own grandchildren, there are other expectations. Like Kelly Yang, I’ve been through my share of tug of wars over child-rearing philosophies. It sounds like the Yang women have been able to resolve their differences, but many Asian American parents and grandparents are not able to, causing a lot of tension and rifts in families.
Some commenters question whether Yang is paying her mother for hours of work, but they are missing the point. I suspect that Mrs. Yang is financially able to retire, and that when the day comes that she is not physically able to take care of herself, her daughter will return the favor.
A couple more interesting links about grandparents caring for kids:
Filipinas Leave Children Behind to Care for American Kids, NPR
More Children Raised by Grandparents, Pew
Also, I’d like to do some research into how to work through cultural differences and childrearing philosophies between parents and grandparents.
What are your concerns? Leave me a comment or send me an email to let me know!
“Why should grandma give up her retirement years to chase after toddlers?” This just strikes me as so selfish. Wouldn’t grandma and grandpa WANT to be a part of the day-to-day life of their grandchildren? Nope, they are vacationing permanently in Florida. And then, when grandpa gets old and needs help going to the bathroom, where are the children and grandchildren? Somewhere emotionally distant, avoiding the home they stuck him in to die.
I think even if mom is a stay-at-home mom, having grandma and grandpa involved in every day activities is the best. I’m definitely biased.
After I had each of my boys, my mom stayed with us for almost six months each time and it was challenging (and definitely comedy fodder) but overall, I am so glad that it happened. She watched my youngest for an extra month so he wouldn’t have to go into daycare the same day I went back to work . We have a Malaysian family who live next door and the grandma there has become a grandma to my own boys, taking care of them when we’ve needed help and doting on them. She doesn’t speak much English, but she loves my boys, especially my youngest who has always responded so happily when she says, “TJ come eat!” So I love the idea of leaning on grandparents, it’s what I know and what I hope my own children remember as they grow up.
I’m not sure if it will be possible, but I’m hoping to have the ability to retire from full-time work in 25-30 years in case my soon-to-be 3 year old daughter has a baby and needs me to watch it. The fact that I will soon be looking for full-time work and am grappling with the prospective costs of hiring a nanny – maybe that has something to do with it.
According to the Pew link, Asian-American grandparents are substantially less likely to take care of their grandkids than Black or Hispanic grandparents. Within the error of the survey, they have the same likelihood as white grandparents.
My mom took care of my oldest daughter until she was 2. When I had my second I knew it would be too much for her so I became a stay at home mom. Now that my second is 2 years old, I have gone back to work part time and my mom takes care of my children when I’m at work. She graciously takes care of them because she wants to be a part of their lives. Both of my children will go to school in the fall so she will only need to watch them a few hours a day which she can handle without being too tired by the end of the day. I am so thankful for her generosity, I could not afford to pay a babysitter since I am only working part time, she is allowing me to rejoin the workforce after taking 3 years off.
Of course I would take care of mom and dad when they cannot. I would do that even if she didn’t watch my children. I love that she is so involved in our lives because our relationship is so close even though I have my own family.
Taking care of grandchildren is a very common occurrence in Asian cultures, though not everyone subscribes to the practice. While critics are worried about the grandparents’ freedom and lifestyle, they often overlook the fact that these grandparents *want* to be there for their children and grandchildren. We ourselves don’t have help from our parents due to many reasons, but for others, if it’s a good fit and mutually beneficial, then why the heck not?!
My parents (in their 80’s) have rarely baby-sat/looked after their grandchildren. They have 7 grandchildren from 3 adult daughters.
3 factors:
My parents don’t know how to play with their young kids
My mother doesn’t know much English, even though she’s been in Canada since her early 20’s.
My parents’ very different styles of child discipline.
But for my parents I’m glad they don’t have to be foisted with baby or very young child care much, they are slower and simply have different ways of child discipline which the parents don’t agree completely. They also deserve a rest: they raised us…6 children. There is a 10 year span between myself as eldest and my youngest sibling.
That’s enough. But I was shocked/amazed my great aunt was looking after 4 grandchildren in her mid-70’s onward while one of her daughters (divorced, single) was working full-time. This went on for probably nearly 10 years. It was act of love and survival (for divorced daughter).
My great aunt raised 7 children of her own. Honest…who has the energy…by those later years in life..
Those are some good points, Jean.
— Different parenting styles between Asian-born (or even just earlier generations) of grandparents and the parents, can be a big cause of friction.
— and for many Asian families, childcare by the grandparents or other relatives is just a matter of economic necessity. Like I mentioned, even though I might be traveling for work, a lot of that is for networking and there’s no way I could afford to hire a nanny for those extended periods. I’m just glad I can lean on my parents to help out in that way. I wouldn’t impose and wouldn’t want to ask my parents to be regular day in, day out babysitters. I also know of families where there’s a lot of resentment between grandparents and parents because of differences in childrearing philosophies.
And I think all parents who rely on grandparents for childcare should be cognizant of that it’s just one option, and be thankful if they can find agreement on how to do it so everyone is happy.
My sisters’ in-laws actually have been better caretakers for their grandchildren …occasionally. Not regular caretakers. They speak English fluently, etc.
We should not lean on this romantic image of grandparents wanting to look after their grandchildren all the time. It takes a lot of energy especially for young children under 6-7 yrs.
My mother finds ways of expressing her care for grandchildren– batches of prepared food for busy daughters, home sewn clothing, etc. No, she is not offended that she hasn’t been asked to look after grandchildren regularily. (Honest, I don’t think she wants that type of responsibility/work regularily anymore. She wants to turn her energy to my father who is dying of cancer. She herself now moves slowly, has hypertension.)
Point well taken, Jean. Caring for family members, whether very young or old, is great when it’s not a burden on anyone. I’d hate to live in a society with no safety net and people must rely on the good graces of their relatives, but I also think the No. American model of being so detached is not healthy either.
Agree with you on many points — Asian families don’t cut ties and declare complete independence at age 18, grandparents certainly are tired watching after babies and kids, and good Asian children should take care of their elder parents when the time is needed. I wish I were closer to parents so they could occasionally babysit (they love it too) but would feel bad if they were the primary caretaker during the day. Like you said, they shouldn’t have their energy drained like that.