Image Credit: wwarby / Flickr
It’s the time of year for my annual existential crisis: Am I or am I not a Tiger Mom?
Of course, I’ve said time and time again, I was raised by a Tiger Mother. I knew Tiger Mothers. I was friends with Tiger Mothers. I AM NO TIGER MOTHER.
But I wonder if other people think I am.
Case in point: it’s the first week of school. Chalk it up to the fact that it’s mid-August, but my boys would rather be playing video games all night and lollygagging at the pool all afternoon. Instead, they are trudging to class at 8:30 in the morning and then coming home for an afternoon full of homework and sports practices. Did I mention that Little Brother was incredibly upset that most of his friends were assigned to a different teacher and he is convinced that second grade is ruined? And his new shoes are probably going to permanently scar his feet.
So in order for me to get these kids to school on time, there needs to be a little motivation. Such as the day when Little Brother sat down on the sidewalk and insisted his new shoes were so uncomfortable they were probably going to render him crippled for life. We could hear the warning bell from a block away, and I shooed Big Brother down the street. “Keep going! You know the way! Be careful crossing the street! At least someone in our family should make it!”
Some people might overhear me yelling at motivating my children and get the wrong idea about me.
And then there’s the part where I ended up in the principal’s office. Big Brother was assigned to class that was rumored to be the designated repository for underachievers. This is the child who was pulled onstage in front of the whole school because of his perfect scores on standardized tests. He is also a generally well-behaved child who could be seen as a deal-sweetener for a teacher saddled with a disproportionate number of behavioral problems. I felt like I had uncovered the biggest conspiracy in school district policy. Instead of spending his fifth grade year getting preparing for middle school, my child was going to spend his last year of elementary school in The Breakfast Club (Unless your kid is in Big Brother’s class. I’m not talking about them *wink*).
So for the past week, I’ve lost sleep and lost hair trying to figure out what to do. I’ve blabbered about my situation to anyone who will listen to me, wrote a letter to the principal, and asked Big Brother twenty questions about his class. I tried to stop by the principal’s office, but one of the administrators body blocked me in the hallway and refused to let me through.
In doing so, I’ve kind of left myself open for people to shake their heads and whisper, “She’s such a Tiger Mother!” I’m sure after I post this, there will be some parents who read this on the Internet, email it to their friends, and then congratulate themselves for not sending their kids to one of those schools teeming with Asians trying to get their kindergarteners into the Ivy League.
I am not the first — or only — parent to worry about her child’s class placement. And I know some are far less diplomatic than me in dealing with it. After all, isn’t that part of being a parent? To ensure that your kid gets treated fairly and has all the opportunities you can provide for them? Still, as an Asian woman, I’m very self-conscious of appearing to fall into a stereotype, and sometimes I’ll be contrary just to buck the stereotype– even if it’s not in my best interest to do so.
By the end of the week, I was a mess. The principal had still not returned my phone calls, friends were giving all sorts of different advice, and I just couldn’t think straight anymore. So I decided to look the tiger in the eye and explained my plan to my husband. “I’m going to go to the teacher and ask her point-blank if this is a remedial class and what is she going to do to make sure our son doesn’t get ignored!” I should add that up until this point, I had whipped him up into such a frenzy that each day he was leaving to work each day admonishing me to “No son of mine is going to be in a remedial class! Make it happen!” Okay, it might have been me who said that.
So I did the best thing I could think of. I went and talked to the teacher about my concerns. I felt sheepish, even though I was trying not to accuse her of anything, it felt like I was doing so. AndI knew there was a good chance that this would be the woman in charge of teaching my son for the rest of the year.
“I’ve heard some rumors and wanted to talk to you about them first…” I began. Then I explained the situation as I understood it. It probably did not come out as smoothly as I planned, and I probably sounded accusatory and demanding as my husband says I can sometimes come across.
No, this is not an intervention class, she explained, as she showed me models of geologic formations that the students would be making.
I felt bad for her, this young woman with a reputation for being a good teacher, with this tiger breathing down her throat. It dawned on me that wanting the best for my children does not make me a Tiger Mother. Scolding them and putting inordinate pressure on them to do what I want would be Tiger-ish. Asking for fair treatment for my kids does not make me a Tiger Mother. Stomping and roaring and demanding my way would be Tiger-ish. I tried to remind myself that this is a conversation between two reasonable women with good intentions.
At the end of our conversation, I left feeling better. Not thoroughly unconvinced about the class distribution rumors, but feeling more assured that this teacher would see my son as an individual and treat him as one. After all, isn’t that what we all want– to be treated fairly and individually?
Note: The principal did call me back and reiterated some of the same things I heard from the teacher. There are pros and cons of the other classes, too, so we are deciding to keep him where he is. I think this one of those things as a parent where there is no easy answer. But I wish it weren’t complicated by my wondering whether people are judging me…
A Tiger mother is one that pushes her kids too far, not a mother that is pushing her school to be open and honest with the parents of the children they teach.
Body blocking you from entering an office? The principle staying mum on the topic and ignoring you? Not the best way to address a mother’s concern. My hapa mother would have gone absolutely postal at that, so rest assured you aren’t as bad as most Asian moms. (Just imagining her face at that makes me giggle a little)
The rumors were there for reason, and you were going to make sure that your son had the best schooling possible. It seems like such a bad idea to have a disproportionate amount of rowdy kids in one class. After all, power in numbers. Spacing a couple rowdy kids throughout classes would seem to be better.
Then again, take solace in that just because he might be with a sillier, less focused, crowd won’t mean he can’t learn something from it. I was an infamous loudmouth boisterous smartass troublemaker (still am, actually) that the teachers HATED but I ended up skipping 8th grade and starting at UCLA at 16 with a year’s worth of college credit from a magnet high school. One of friends I’ve known from elementary school says that I really taught her that it’s okay to be loud sometimes, have your opinions heard, and blow off some steam in between serious studying. And she helped teach me that there is a time and place for arguing, like with the teacher and not with my Japanese mother, who will ALWAYS win.
“A Tiger mother is one that pushes her kids too far, not a mother that is pushing her school to be open and honest with the parents of the children they teach.” Yep. That’s something that came very clear to me in this process. I was just reading that NYT article about how parents shouldn’t interfere in their kids’ lives so much and let them learn on their own, so it’s all about balance, I guess. Thanks for chiming in!
Hi Grace, I feel your pain! I would have done the same, and I don’t think you were aggressive at all. You simply advocated for your child– which parent wouldn’t do that?
Before that Tiger Mom book came out, there really wasn’t a “Tiger Mom” phrase to stereotype to. If you were a strict parent, you were just that and it had nothing to do with race. Ultimately you need to do what you feel best is for your child. Not knowing information would drive me crazy, too. It’s not asking for much, you were just asking for clarification. If you didn’t care at all, then people should be worried. Because we’ve all heard the stories of kids who have uninvolved parents who just don’t care and the kids end up without guidance.
I feel as of Asian American mothers really have the short end of the stick here. If you’re not engaged with your children, you are bad parent. If you are too engaged, well then you’re just crazy. ;) And I have to believe that Asian women really cannot win here because of the perceived image of you and how you are to behave and act. You are either submissive or you are a Tiger. There’s no in between. I can’t imagine a Caucasian mother having anywhere near the experience you did with this if the situation were reversed.
The body blocking really disturbs me for some reason. I feel that was overstepping their boundaries. It’s not like you were going in there and endangering the principal right? ;)
But thanks for writing this and for sharing your story with us.
Oh my goodness, you hit the nail on the head! Several years ago, there was a well-known blog post in which a white mother lamented that Asians don’t join the PTA. Even though my kids weren’t old enough for school at the time, that stuck with me… it was one of those ugly insights into how people perceive Asians. I remember thinking it was important for me to become an active parent in the school — not just for my own children– but to be involved in the community and to dispel those stereotypes. Then this whole other stereotype came along. You just can’t win.
I think of a Tiger Mom as a parent pushing unrealistically high expectations of achievement on an unwilling child. This is not what’s happening in your case. If I thought my kid were being placed in a remedial classroom, I’d have a few questions, too!
I’m the kid of a tiger dad, so I know whereof you speak, but honestly, this didn’t strike me as being in that category at all. The fact is, schools don’t always make perfect decisions and as a parent it’s your job not to let something fly by when you think a poor choice is being made.
Of course, I also have legal training, and have on occasion been pushy for a living, so maybe I’m biased!
A normal, typical mama bear protecting her cubs, yes. Tiger mom, no!
Adding my 2 cents. I say not to worry… believe me (as a product of a Tiger Mom) in my mind you are no Tiger Mom in the negative sense of the word. In fact, you probably couldn’t be one even if you tried simply because of your self-awareness.
To me the *bad* Tiger Mom (I don’t think the label should be so negative) of nightmares is one who a son/daughter can’t open up with and who neglects the holistic view of a child beyond just academics. And even if you seem to be by some people’s limited perceptions, who cares what other people think? Especially if your kids become healthy, productive, caring and kind adults contributing value to the world. Ha
You love your kids and you’re trying to instill a love of learning in them by ensuring a good environment… isn’t that what all good mothers do? And if this is what defines a true Tiger Mom then I say… Carry on Tiger Mom, carry on! :)
By the way, there was this interesting article on French moms (which you probably have seen but in case not): http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204740904577196931457473816.html